Imagine being put in a small room the size of closet. No windows, no furniture. There’s nothing but you, four walls and a door. A door that will magically open when you come to terms with your unique self in all its humanness.
Learn to accept yourself as you are and love yourself with an unshakeable resolve and you’ll be set free to manifest a destiny that you could not achieve otherwise.
How does that sound to you?
When I read something similar in a story, I admit to being intrigued about being forced to confront your feelings about yourself with nothing to distract you from that task.
It’s kind of a self-tough-love scenario, and I wondered if I could do it.
That night, in the dark comfort of my bed, using the multi-purpose breathing technique to help me focus, I made the attempt to manifest a new destiny for myself.
Back to the 1990’s
Sometime during the 1990’s the department in which I worked did a two-day offsite team-building event.
Yeah, we did the usual exercises and stuff, but then our smaller teams each went to different parts of the location for a retreat-type break.
Though I don’t remember much of what happened, I do remember the complete and utter acceptance and support that each of us provided to one another.
It soothed my soul so much that when we returned to work I carried with me the gentle confidence that comes from being totally accepted.
Granted it didn’t last but a day or two before the “real” world interfered and I was once more an insecure mess hiding behind my intellect.
I still remember though how I felt: integrated. There was no internal conflict and I was at peace with myself.
Back to That Night a Few Weeks Ago
Probably because I was ready for it, my process of confronting my feelings towards myself worked.
I achieved a sense of being at one with myself. There was acceptance and love for everything I had been through.
There was also gratitude which surprised me because it arose so spontaneously.
Apparently when you’re no longer in conflict with yourself – when you accept everything about you and stop judging it as good or bad – that also translates being able to look at your relationships with different eyes as well.
Not surprisingly the buzz I got from loving and accepting myself kept me up most of the night and carried me through the next day.
The next night was a completely different story.
Before Breakthrough: Anxiety, After Breakthrough: Terror and Anxiety!
You know what taking one-step forward and then getting pushed back a couple of steps is like.
The bigger the step you take in having a breakthrough, the harder you get pushed back.
The emotional breakthrough I had with myself was apparently too much for my inner child to handle.
She was terrified at what my blasphemy would bring down upon our heads.
We would be excommunicated. We would be pushed out of the family like people were pushed out of cars to lie broken and bleeding on the side of the road. We would die.
The terror was real and anxiety attacks began puncturing my sleep.
There was no reasoning with her. There was no comforting her. There were no measures I could take to abate her fear.
All I could do was to use my loving kindness mantra and the multi-purpose breathing technique to reduce the effects of the onslaught.
It was not a good week as my inner child kept trying to keep me in my childhood box created by my family’s self-centered demands.
In one of my dreams, I was an adult in a heavy wooden box with only my feet sticking out. There were peep holes I could look through. Walking hurt because the box kept hitting against my ankles.
Thankfully Things Change
As my inner child’s terror and fear began to burn itself out, I had a new box dream.
This time I was sitting in a small box with my knees drawn up to my chest and my head bent over. I couldn’t move at all.
Then the dream shifted, and I was in a turtle shell hiding from dangers outside. I felt safe and knew nothing could hurt me. I knew I could venture outside but could retreat back into my shell if danger threatened again.
It was a sign that I could trust myself. It told me I could take care of myself appropriately. It also told me that enduring the expression of old fears had burned a lot of them away.
Recovery was slow.
Then sadly my dog Jackie’s heart couldn’t support her enthusiasm any longer and I had to let her go.
Recovery maintained a slow pace.
What energy I had was directed towards bringing money into my life by writing for a new client and creating a new planner.
Writing was hard and went slowly. I kept trying to come up with a post to write about so I wouldn’t be out of touch with you for too long, but it wasn’t until three days ago that I could even start this post.
I hated it, but couldn’t think of anything else to write.
So today I sat down to rewrite it and realized it said what I really wanted to say.
Loving and accepting yourself in a deep and profound way doesn’t make your life perfect. Nor does it immediately manifest your new destiny.
It lets you take care of yourself in ways that you need to but couldn’t let yourself do before you surrendered to loving yourself.
It lets you recognize more easily when you’re fighting yourself because it’s still a habit and you no longer have a need to meeting old and outdated expectations.
It lets you take spontaneous action like putting on a bright, dangling pair of earrings because they make you smile even though they clash with what you’re wearing.
Quite simply, loving and accepting yourself in a deep and profound way lets you enjoy being you.